Rachel Prank Calls Everybody
by i.eat.sugar.for.breakfast
Summary: Rachel has become overwhelmed with how bored she is, and boredom is something up with which she will not put. Read along as she prank calls her family, other vampires, werewolves, and even some humans! On hiatus for now.
1. Edward and Esme

**As a forewarning, all of these are going to be short, so this will be an extra long story! These are really fun to write and I hope you'll like reading them!**

Rachel Edward

Ring ring. Pick up

Hello?

(Valley girl voice) Like, hey, do you, like, sell, like, Miracle Whip?

(Emmett in background) No, but it's a _miracle_ that Eddie boy is _whipped!_ Haha! I crack myself up!

Shut up, Emm-bear!

So, like, do you, like, have my Miracle Whip?

No.

They, like, don't have it, like, girlfriend!

(Jasper in background) Like, are you, like, serious? I was, like, so looking forward to my, like, Miracle Whip!

Like, so was I!

(Jacob in background with German accent) Vhat are you doing in my house again? I thought zat vas a one time thing! Und my vife vill be home any minute!

Like, sorry mister, but we were, like, looking for some, like, Miracle Whip since, like, nobody else seems so have it.

Oh, so you're prostitutes now?

(Jasper) Very, like, rich ones too. You wouldn't believe, like, how many loaded guys are, like, unhappy with their, like, wives.

Oh really?

Yeah, like, really.

(Bella in background) Edward, why are you talking to a couple of prostitutes on the phone?

I'm not, love. Rachel, Jasper, and Jacob are trying to prank call me, but are in the other room so I can hear their thoughts.

Dang! That was, like, funny!

Hang up

Rachel **Esme**

Ring ring. Pick up

**Hello?**

(Thick British accent) 'Ello. Is your refrigerator running, ma'am?

**Uh, no, I don't have one.**

(Whispers to Jasper) What should I do? We don't have a fridge!

(Jasper shouts) Quick, she's onto us! We must hide in Canada for a week!

(Nervous laughter) Blimey, he's off his rocker today. Well, must be off for some bangers and mash now, Mum...I mean, ma'am.

Hang up

**Did you know that in Pennsylvania, there's a pizza restaurant called Bella Italia? Well there is, I rode past it in the car a couple days back. I'll try to have chapter 2 up ASAP!**

**-ME!**


	2. Bella and Rachel

**This chapter I came up with while I was half asleep so I'm not sure how good it's going to be. Also, my older sister, alias093001, came up with the idea for this so I decided to do it just to get her off my back.**

Rachel Bella

Ring ring. Pick up

Hello?

(British accent) Is this Cho Chang?

Who is Cho Chang?

(Edward in background) Who's on the phone, love?

Haha! I knew you were Cho! That was Cedric in the background!

What? Who's Cedric?

Your boyfriend, Cho.

I don't have a boyfriend, my husband is named Edward. And my name isn't Cho, it's Bella.

But I heard that Cedric was alive and this is his number.

Well I don't care what you heard, who is this anyway?

Harry Potter.

Who the heck is Harry Potter?

I'm a 17 year old wizard who used to go to Hogwarts and defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort.

Really? Because you sound like a girl.

I'm not a girl! I'm the Chosen One! You should know, we went out in my 5th year!

I don't care if you're the Chosen One or not, my name isn't Cho, I'm not dating a Cedric, and you and I never went out!

Yes we did, we kissed in the Room of Requirement!

What's the Room of Requirement?

It's in Hogwarts.

Whatever, I'm hanging up now.

Wait, don't!

Why not?

Because I asked you not to!

Hang up

Well that was rude.

Melvin _Rachel_ **[AN: Wow, I'm not the one calling!]**

Ring ring. Pick up

_Hello?_

(Fred voice) Hey it's Fred!

_OMG, really?_

Oh my garnit, Judy is so beautiful, and Kevin is just a bit fatty. I'm so happy the cat with rabies bit him again!

_You know what Fred?_

What?

_You should be on The Annoying Orange next week!_

You really think so Rachel?

_Yes Melvin, I do._

Wait, did you just say Melvin?

_Yeah, I'm not stupid._

(Normal voice) I hate you.

_Love you too!_

Hang up

**I have nothing to say down here... =(**

**-ME!**


	3. Paul and Edward

Rachel **Paul**

Ring ring. Pick up

**Hello?**

Hey Paulie!

**Oh, hey Rachie!**

Le't continue our conversation from earlier!

**Ok, back to my deepest, darkest secrets.**

Any guilty pleasures?

**Well, I like listening to "3" by Brittany Spears.**

Alrighty then, any childhood toys you still have?

**Well, there's my bear Mr. Fluffykinz from when I was 5 and was afraid of the dark. My mom gave him to me to keep me safe in the night.**

Aww...that's actually kind of cute. Is there anything else I should know?

**Umm...well, I broke that lamp you bought the other day. I'm sorry, Jacob provoked me.**

I'm going to kill him!

**Oh, so you're not mad I broke it? That's a relief.**

Hell no! I'm furious! Me and Rachel picked that out together! You are sleeping in the doghouse until you can pay both of us back.

**Damn it! Hmm, more secrets. I'm a closet Ke$ha fan.**

Good to know.

**Also, before I forget, I broke the doghouse last week.**

That's it! Closet, NOW!

**Aw, baby, why do I have to do to the closet? I could just rebuild the doghouse?**

No way! I'll be home in approximately 10 seconds so get to the closet, and put a shirt on, ya whore!

**(Sighs) Fine.**

(Walks in)

**Why do you smell so bad?**

Oh, yeah, about that. I'm not the Rachel you think I am.

**Rachel Cullen!**

You bet your bottom!

**(Almost phases)**

Woah, calm down wolf boy, I have blackmail material!

**I'm going to kill you.**

Love you too!

Hang up

Rachel _Edward_

Ring ring. Pick up

_Hello?_

I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen! The guys will be jealous, but the girls will love it! Running so fast that it's never a race. Spreading lots of glitter all over my face. I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen! Oh woah woah.

Hang up

_That was weird._

**That is an actual song! It's "Flashlight (The Cullen Song)" by Eleventyseven. They're my new favorite band, besides Philmont, Young and Divine, and the Downtown Fiction. I hope you liked this chapter. If you didn't, eh.**

**-ME!**


	4. Alice

**Chapter 4 already? Wow, I need to get a life. Sorry this is so short.**

Rachel _Alice_

Ring ring. Pick up

_Hello?_

(Nasally voice) Hello, this is the manager of the Gucci store at your local mall.

_OMG!_

Yes, I'm calling to tell you that you're banned for two months.

_What? Why?_

You forcibly dragged a customer out of line, on three occasions!

_NO! I can't be banned! Where will I buy purses?_

How about Prada? You seem to like them a lot,

_Wait, this isn't the manager of Gucci, this is the manager of Prada! Isn't it?_

Alright, you got me. You're not actually banned from Gucci. You're banned from Prada.

_NO!_

Goodbye Miss Alice.

Hang up

**I couldn't think of a second one for this. I'm also very sorry this chapter was so short. Please don't think that doing two people will be in every chapter. I just thought of second ones very quickly for the first three chapters.**

**-ME!**


	5. Rachel and Landon

**Oh hello there, I didn't see you come in. What a lovely surprise this is; an update? That was sarcasm people. On with the "call(s)"!**

Rachel Rachel

Ring ring. Pick up

Hello?

Hi there!

Oh hey!

How's it going?

Good. You?

Same old, same old. I have something to tell you.

What is it?

I'm going on vacation in a couple weeks so I won't be able to update at all.

D=

Yeah, I know, I'm miserable too. The last thing I want to do is disappoint my readers with crappy chapters I wrote at the beach, or in two minutes when I was fighting off my two younger cousins as they try to steal my notebook.

Why can't you type when you're there?

I don't have a laptop or any other typing mechanism.

Not even a typewriter?

What would be the purpose of that? I'd still have to re-type it.

Oh, yeah.

I won't be completely inactive, I just won't be able to update. Well, maybe I will, but it will be pre-written and I'll have it to post later. I won't keep you all waiting any longer then necessary.

?

They have internet access, just I can't clutter their computer with my files.

Ah, can I hang up now?

Be my guest, I have others to call.

Hang up

Rachel Landon

Ring ring. Pick up

Hello?

CHOCOLATE MILK!

Hang up

Landon: (shouts) Hey Jake! I'm beating you! I'm a 10 now!

Jacob: No fair! I don't like Rachel so I didn't send it to her!

Landon: This is the funnest chain text ever!

**I got that text from like 20 people. I called almost all of them. One person I don't actually like and don't know how they got my number. See, you send them a message that says something along the lines of "If you love me, call me, shout 'chocolate milk' then HANG UP without saying anything else.' then you forward it to people and count how many calls you get. I love it. I've got 16 so far. =D**

**Peace, Love, Twilight**


	6. Jasper and Reader

**I've been planning this for a little while, but I only got around to writing it now.**

Rachel Jasper

Ring ring. Pick up

Hello?

Your love, your love, your love is my drug!

Oh, hi Rachel.

My name's not Rachel. It's Katara, your sister!

Holy crap! Are you serious?

Yes, why didn't you tell me you were starring in the movie?

I didn't think it was important.

You should've told them they were pronouncing your name wrong. And Aang's too. Do you see an h in that name? I don't think so!

Yeah, but I didn't want them to know it was a true story.

True, but that girl who played Katara was all wrong.

Yeah, I tried to tell them to pick somebody else, but they wouldn't listen! They thought she was perfect for the role!

HA! I knew you were hiding something Jasper! Or should I say, Sokka!

I knew it was you Rachel.

Seriously?

Yeah, I was just playing along.

Well then, I guess I'll show Alice this picture I stole from the school's security cameras.

What's it of?

You and Allana Summers kissing when Alice went hunting with Emmett and Rosalie the other day.

But she kissed me! You saw it!

That's not what it looks like in this picture!

I hate you!

Love you too!

Hang up

Rachel **Reader**

Ring ring. Pick up

**Hello?**

Hi, this is Rachel Hale.

**OMG!**

I have something to tell you.

**What is it?**

I'm finally back from vacation so they're will be updates and prank calls again!

**Yay! Can I do the thing?**

Sure. I hate you.

**Love you too!**

Hang up

**I'm no longer inactive! I'm thinking of calling a human. Maybe Jessica, and I could pretend to be Edward. Or the same with Lauren. What do you guys think? Also, those were my true feelings about The Last Airbender. They totally cannot pronounce names, even when they say the names in the cartoon series! Also, I can't wait for the second one! I'll update as soon as I can. Until then, au revoir!**

**-Rachel**


End file.
